How to win a fight without throwing a punch

I am software designer now, I make websites, and the only fighting that I do these days is on my video game consoles. But back when I was younger, faster, stronger (and more concerned with what song I like, than the background color which my client would) I had my fair share of scruffs, rumbles and all out brawls. Be it taking a hit for a friend, assaulted by a dozen of oafs because of a girl, or the very rare honorable one on one, your truly has been through them all.

DBZ Fight Scene
The Only kind of fight I have not been in

While, there are points in your life, when you can’t really wiggle out without some knuckle sandwiches (or a hockey swinging spree). Most other “would be feuds” can actually be handled without even throwing a single punch (wait that’s the title of the post, redundancy much!). What more, you wouldn’t have to compromise on your honor either. So how does this magic happen, is there any per-requisite. Well you would be happy to know, that you don’t need to be a 6 foot 90 kg rock like me (though it helps), all you need is a little bit of lying skills. I know MIND BLOWN right.

FightClub meme
This is also the first rule of winning a fight

So you are in the club/pool house/bar/road/canteen just minding your business, hanging with your homies, when someone tries to brew trouble. How do you make this punk feel sorry he ever thought of bitching with you, before you even wind up for a punch.

1. Stand up in slow motion
This is like the most signature of all “I am bad ass” signature moves. When someone talks down to you, and is asking for it; You simply get up. That’s it, say nothing, don’t pull out that knife you have in your pocket, just get up, very very slowly. Make him feel like he is watching a movie, and you are getting up in slow motion. Sigh first, (like you don’t want to do this), put your hands on your knees, and force yourself up. Make it all look like a lethargic effort, making him think that you are actually trying to give him time to abort and run.
(It helps if you imagine a background song playing, helps you get into character)

2. Speak slowly/clearly and in pronouns
Get close to him, like “I can smell what you ate for dinner, and see whats in your nose” close. Now say some stuff, how you have many others like him before, and how you don’t give a damn. Also put in some stuff where you are all about peace, but wouldn’t mind kicking some behind. Just say all of this very slowly, word by clear word. You don’t want him to miss out on anything that you are saying and misunderstand. You want him to feel, that what he is about to do, is a bad idea. Just remember, don’t point a finger at him, and don’t address him by his name, use pronouns instead. I never got into research of it, but those two actions just fuel the guys up more (here is an example courtesy my good friend Vaisakh).

Bar Brawl Cartoon
If your friend aren’t able to hold you back, you need stronger friends

3. Ask you friends
So if this guy is still asking for trouble, consult your friends. And I don’t mean that huddle type of discussions, what I mean is you ask loudly to one of your friends, in a mischievous manner with a smirk on your face, in front of that punk. Ask questions like “This punk wants to fight me? me? what do you think?”, and “Greg, do you think its too soon before we start kicking ass again?”. If your friends are in on it, some of them would say yes, laugh around, or give you sagely advise; you know get a mixed bag. Basically establish, that you have done bad things before, and your own sense of judgement in these things is a little volatile. Then some of you will try to hold you back, telling you stuff like “You know what happened to that Chris kid, we don’t want that again”. For better effect this can be started simultaneously with 1 or 2

Joker Dark Knight image
The Climax of all Psyche Out

4. Talk to yourself and smile a lot
Its obvious that you aren’t the only one who is going to be speaking stuff. The guy who wants his ass whopped will be blowing off his mouth too. He is going to be talking nasty stuff, but all you got to do is smile, chuckle and even laugh at some of his insults. Make him feel that he is spluttering jokes instead of barbed jibes. Let him say his piece; don’t interrupt (that calms them down); in the middle just chuckle at the most gory of his comments. Once he is done, talk to yourself loudly, discussing the pros and cons of the figth that you are going to have. This would establish you as a loose nut, and no body messes with a loose nut.
Don’t overdo it, you don’t want him to feel that you are making fun of him.

Punch Image
This is the one thing no body wants to be first about

5. Ask him to throw the first punch
So, that guy is still standing. Well there is nothing else left to do now, is it. Well you can ask him to throw the first punch. Not only, will this put the ball in his court, it would tell him and all others around him that you are confident enough of letting him take a head start. Also, this will set you up nicely for later too, since you can always say, “That I didn’t start it”. Its quite possible that the offender, might refuse your offer and instead ask you to do the honors. Rememeber this means, that he is already having second thoughts about fighting, you just need to psyche him out a little more. Don’t call him a coward, instead say that if he is not ready to fight, he might as well back down.

By the time you are done with all of these steps, you would either find yourself embroiled in a bloddy, eye gouging open for all rumble. Or you would find yourself basking in the glory of punking out a dude, who wanted to mess with you.

It will take a bit of time getting the hang of it, and in time you would be able to out your very own touch on it. I just made your college/school/punk/thug life easy, you can thanks me by clicking on some “things that can make me money”.

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3 thoughts on “How to win a fight without throwing a punch

  1. Nice advice… πŸ™‚ But, since you are a web developer, I must ask this.. how to work without throwing a punch at the system while you are developing for the dear old IE? 😐

    Like

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